Brooklyn Bridge Pizzeria in St. Louis and A Love to Remember

I was just surfing the web when I came across a St. Louis Blog. Well, it was a site about St. Louis that happened to have a blog. To me, it looks like people post questions there about St. Louis but no one seems to answer them. Clearly, this is not a well-traveled site on the web. BUT, someone asked a question I just had to answer – one which brought back so much nostalgia for me personally. Someone posted the question: “where oh where has my favorite pizza place in St. Louis gone – it is called Brooklyn Bridge Pizzeria. Anyone remember it?” Well, because I worked there for 3 years during high school and college I know ALL ABOUT Brooklyn Bridge Pizzeria. I know how the place did, in fact, have the best pizza St. Louis has EVER known. It was New York Style Pizza and operated on Hampton Avenue across from Peaches (remember that one, too??? – now who among us does not have their old LPs stored in the wooden crates from Peaches???) in South St. Louis during the 1980s. You could buy a whole pie (pizza) or just buy it by the slice. The pizza was so good and the ingredients so fresh and the crust – just that perfect blend of dough and crunch. The owner, Steve, was from Brooklyn, New York and he came to St. Louis to show his Daddy that he could be a real businessman in this fine City of ours. And it worked for a fairly long time. But then one day, Steve got a C rating from the City Health Department instead of the typical “A” you see on most establishments’ doors. Now, before you get grossed out – the C rating was really no big deal. The City Inspector wanted him to have refrigerated prep tables for the pizzas and pizza ingredients. No big deal, right? Well, Steve took great offense at the City telling him how to run his business so rather than take a few minutes and few dollars to do what the City wanted, he up and moved the restaurant up by St. Louis University and the Fox Theatre. It was right there on the corner of Grand and Lindell. Not the best location but Steve was certain that the SLU college kids would devour his pizzas by the truckload and he could continue on with his great success. Unfortunately, the SLU location of Brooklyn Bridge Pizzeria closed within the same year it opened. It had such a long run when it was on Hampton but his faithful and loyal customers of South St. Louis just weren’t willing to travel that far and to “that neighborhood” just to get their pizza fix. Last I heard, which was in the early 90s, Steve packed up his stuff and moved back to Brooklyn. So, what was once a fantastic money making machine filled with great pizzas and tons of customers on Hampton Avenue became a catastrophic failure on S. Grand Blvd. I have so often thought to myself over the years “If only Steve had made the minor improvements the City suggested we might still have fantastic New York Style pizza in St. Louis. And, no – sorry folks – Racanellis just doesn’t even come close to how damn good Brooklyn Bridge Pizzeria was. Racanellis can be gross and slimy and too greasy and their crust is NEVER crispy. Brooklyn Bridge Pizzeria had the key to successful New York style pizza – fresh ingredients and the 500 degree oven and the dough made fresh daily. I can still remember watching "my guy" (yes, I found my very first true love within the walls of Brooklyn Bridge Pizzeria) toss the dough up in the air while smiling at me and it just melts my heart to think of that memory. All the employees had their own “soda cups” we kept marked with our names on them in the back near the sink. I would come in to work after school and invariably Michael (my guy) would have made it to work before me and he would tape little notes inside my soda cup for me to read when I got to work. At the time, my family life was a mess, my parents were divorcing, my mother was refusing treatment for her out of control alcoholism etc, and I had confided all of this domestic discord in Michael. So, somedays, there would just be a note in my cup that would say “Keep Smiling, Beautiful. Things will get better because they can’t get any worse.” And do you know I still have those love notes tucked away in my sentimental scrap book? Isn’t that ridiculous? But I am nothing if not ridiculously sentimental. And, after all, he was the first man to propose to me so why shouldn’t I have kept all of his silly little notes? He proposed when I was 23 and he was 25. I was still in the “bar mode” and wanting to play while he wanted a marriage and children immediately so we parted ways. Rumor has it, he soon married someone who has my very name (how weird is that?????) and has 2 kids with her now. He actually lives just down the road from me and from all obvious signs has fulfilled all of his dreams: he became a successful pediatrician, has the wife, the 2.5 kids, the picket fence and has accomplished everything he said he wanted when we were teenagers. So often I have wanted to talk to him again just to reminisce and laugh about old times. I see him driving on Jamieson every now and then and he has become a very beautiful man from the gawky teenager I once knew. I wonder if he ever thinks of me. I wonder if happiness really does exist for him behind that picket fence. And mostly I wonder about his Mother. When Michael and I were dating and engaged (spanning 8 years, dating for 7 – engaged for 1) she called me her best friend and I felt very close to her as well. We would go out together and people thought we were sisters or friends because she was so young looking (she was in her 40s at the time). But inside that woman was a sadness and a loneliness as vast as the grand canyon. And that frightened me to death because I looked in her eyes and saw my own future with her son ending the same way with sadness and loneliness. Her son was just as emotionally absent as his father was to her and I knew that that was my future if I married Michael. So I ran instead. I ran from the sadness I saw reflected in her eyes. Did I do the right thing? I know for a fact I did the right thing for me but I have often wondered how my actions of breaking off the engagement affected Michael’s family. Does his mother miss me or did she just pick up with the new *place my name here* and pretend I never left? Did they get along as well as she and I did? Did the new *place my name here* ever see the mother’s aching sadness and loneliness but decide for herself that that was the price she was willing to pay to marry a doctor? Dunno. I will probably never know the answers to these and many other questions that plague my mind. But I do know that along with the demise of our relationship came the demise of a fantastic little pizza parlor on Hampton Avenue known as Brooklyn Bridge Pizzeria. What a loss to the city losing that pizza place was and still is today. Nothing will ever replace the memory of that ooey, gooey, wonderful pizza or the memory of those sweet little notes Michael always placed in my soda cup. I hope he does have happiness behind that picket fence but my guess is he more than likely merely has the illusion of happiness behind that picket fence and still has no clue what the difference between those 2 things is. As for the Mother’s picket fence? I drove past it the other day and just sat outside their house (trying not to appear stalkerish) yet wondering if she ever found anything more than sadness and loneliness in her life with the Patriarch of the family. What I wouldn’t give to hold her hand and tell her that everything is going to be okay because it just can’t get any worse for her. What I wouldn’t give to call her up, go to lunch with her and explain to her that the aching sadness and loneliness I saw in her eyes when I was only 23 saved my life and paved the way for me to find great happiness and be spared her lot in life. For that reason, she will always be my hero, my guardian angel, and one of MY best friends ever.

AWOR - Absent Without Reason

Ok, so yeah, it's been months since I last posted. And for those of you who still check back every once in awhile "just in case" and who still have me listed on your blogs as an active & interesting blog link, I gotta tell ya - you have a lot more faith in me than I do. I suck as a fellow blogger: I'm not a regular poster, when I do post it's usually about some news story that has my panties in a wad or some drama going on in my life so why any of you would even continue to link to me, is beyond me. But thanks. You're the best. And I promise I will do better from here on out.

So, here's what's new with me: I have a friend, her name is Beth. This person has been going through a lot in their life lately - lots of personal stuff. In the process of a divorce, she lost most of her friends because they came with the husband and they left with the husband. So, she has been trying to make new friends. And she did make what she would refer to as an "acquaintance" last July, who we will call Samantha. Why does she call this person an acquaintance rather than a friend? Well, Beth met Samantha at a local cultural event last July. They started talking, one thing led to another, they exchanged emails and phone numbers, called each other etc. Now, they have seen each other every week since last July, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week since first meeting. Beth has done many things for Samantha including lending her money (which she repaid but only in part), cat sitting for free, listening to her talk about her problems, helping her out when she needs something and just generally the kinds of things you do when you are friends. So, what's the problem? The acquaintance, Samantha, does not reciprocate. Christmas came and Beth gave Samantha a wonderful & thoughtful present but Samantha didn't give Beth a Christmas present. Beth's birthday came and all the friend did was send a text message that said Happy Birthday - no card, no birthday get together, no present - nothing. And in spite of the time they have spent together over the months, Samantha is just not someone Beth feels she can turn to as a friend if and when she would ever need a friend. So, she asked me - at what point does one admit this is a one-way friendship and bail? She asked me this specifically because she is aware of my history of having fired 3 of my own friends. So, apparently, now I'm the expert on if a friend should be fired and how to go about it. (Gee, this will look good on a resume.) My advice to Beth was that if Samantha only takes and doesn't give back, and it bothers Beth so much so that she would want to consider firing her, it's probably long past the question of if Samantha should be fired as a friend. But then I got to thinking. Do all bad friends need to be fired? Can any of them be saved or rehabilitated as friends? And if so, how exactly do you approach the subject of "Hey, I like you but you kind of suck as a friend. Do you think maybe you could just every once in awhile make this about me instead of always about you? And, by the way, are you a Jehovah's Witness or something because you seem to have no problem accepting gifts from me at Christmas and birthdays but you never give any to me. Is this some sort of a religious thing or are you just that selfish?" Clearly this is not an easy conversation to have. But, my question is, do you have the conversation and if so, how? I don't want to offer Beth faulty advice and since my knee-jerk reaction was "Dump the selfish bitch, already!" maybe I should reconsider my advice. True friends aren't easy to come by and if a friendship can be rehabilitated rather than ruined, shouldn't you at least try? But my sole reason for advising Beth as I did was because Samantha has yet to prove she can be a true friend to Beth and I didn't want her to continue to be taken advantage of by Samantha. If it's all take and no give by Samantha, what's the point? Is there a point? And why oh why are so many women like this? Why do we not cherish the women that are in our lives and be the best friend we possibly can be to them for as long as we can be? Why are so many friendships one-sided where one person gives and the other person takes? Is it just the general selfish nature of some people that they cannot consider someone outside of themself? I don't understand these types of people. I always try and think of others before myself and yet, time and time again, I meet or am told about women who are just takers. Women who are your friend so long as they are getting something out of it. Or, better still: women who are your friend until you walk out of the room and then they become your worst nightmare by the things they utter about you behind your back. That's just wrong folks. Life is too short to spend alone but life is also too important to spend with selfish, self-centered, cruel people.

Presently reading: "Possible Side Effects" by Augusten Burroughs. Hilarious. A must read.

Just finished reading: "Remembering Sarah" by Chris Mooney. Good unpredictable thriller.

Currently Listening to: BPM Dance hits from around the globe on XM satellite radio.

Interesting News Story

Ok, so apparently all the talk on the blogs today is about a different Frey (is it just me or is this a totally bizarre coincidence???) and I feel compelled to weigh in on this one. This time, a one Travis Frey from Council Bluffs, IA has made the news in that he allegedly kidnapped and raped his wife for her alleged failure to honor their marital contract. The Contract is detailed at Smoking Gun and is quite interesting. But, being in the law, my mind is trained in a certain way. Often times, we learn more about people from what they DON'T say, rather than from what they do say. IMO, there is an awful lot of this story missing from all the news stories about this incident that are presently circulating. Like, for example, how long have they been married? When did he first present this contract to her? She must have complied for a period of time or he would not have kidnapped her and raped her as punishment for her transgressions, if in fact, that did occur. Again, as with the James Frey story, (see previous post), I think there is something the public is just NOT being told here. I think she actually liked to get her kink on with this guy, as defined in the now infamous Contract, but when he took it a little too far, she cried victim. Now, I could be totally wrong here but this type of stuff just doesn't come out of nowhere. AND, since no one signed it, there really is NO PROOF that he even penned the damn thing himself. They could have had a lovely afternoon of intercourse, she later catches him cheating, or something else enrages her, and she creates this Contract and goes to the police. As his defense lawyer has said, there is simply no proof that The Contract was generated by Frey. And as far as the child pornography charges go, why aren't we being told the specifics of that story either? What if he looked at the picture of what he thought to be a 20 year old girl and turns out, she was 15 and he is now busted for child porn? This stuff happens, folks, so I'm simply leaving open the door to the possibility that this guy is the victim. That's what is so great about our justice system, the man is INNOCENT until proven guilten. Unless of course, you are tuned into all the feminazi's blogs today, in which case he is already guilty and should be hanging in the town square by his balls, according to them. The only thing this guy has against him at this point, IMO, is that there exists a strong correlation between science fiction freaks being pedophiles. Now, I'm not saying ALL science fiction fans are pedophiles, but research indicates that almost all pedophiles are extreme science fiction fans. And he did use a Star Trek font in The Contract so maybe he is, after all, a pedophile and a wife abuser. But I say, let all the facts come in first, folks, and then let's decide. Because, right now, we just have the wife's side of this story and that could very well be her crying foul, for whatever reason. I will be very interested to see how this plays out in days to come. And to all the feminazis out there who are screaming at the top of their lungs that this guy needs to be castrated and then beheaded, a famous quote comes to mind: "Me think thou doth protest too much", meaning, they just WISH their men would show them this same level of interest and attention and because their men can't even compare to this guy's affections and attention toward his wife, they are pissed and want Frey to pay. Men, let's just face it: with all the feminazi propaganda out there, you can't win. Don't even try.

Friends Forever

Over the past 3 months, I have been firing some of my friends. Well, firing people who call themselves my friends but really aren't. These are people that have been in my life for years, in some cases, decades, and really didn't deserve the privilege of being there because of how they treated me, or mistreated me as the case often was. So it brings to mind the question: why is it so hard to find and keep good friends? Are people really so self-absorbed and selfish these days that they can't even bother with the true meaning of friendship anymore? In honor of this thought, I have put together a list of what it takes to make the cut, so to speak, and not get fired from being my friend. You tell me, am I asking too much?

1. You must NOT be in the friendship for only what you can get out of it; you must give back to me as a person as much as you take. I am a very generous person by nature. Do not take advantage of this.

2.. If you bitch to me about how broke you are and I feel sorry enough for you to give you $20 (no repay necessary), be smart enough to spend it on groceries or bills because I'll kick your ass if you come in the next day with a Starbuck's coffee and a muffin that used up half of that money. And then don't later have the nerve to tell me that you're so sad because you can't afford to feed your kids, buy pet food, pay your phone bill etc. Also, don't expect me to pay for your part of the friendship either. I'm not your date, I'm your friend. If you can't pay your half of the dinner, movie or whatever it is we are doing, then don't go out with me.

3. You must never, ever speak poorly of me behind my back. If you have something to say about me or a criticism of me, have the balls to say it to my face and let's discuss it. Backstabbing is cowardly and passive aggressive.

4. You must not abandon and neglect me or take the friendship for granted the minute you get "coupled up" with a new partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife etc.

5. You must listen to me when you ask my advice and not try and silence me because my opinion happens to be something you don't want to hear or something you disagree with. I always try and deliver bad news or differing opinions with the kindest of words so as to be gentle with your self esteem and your feelings.

6. Make me and our friendship a priority in your life. The greatest gift you can give someone in a friendship is the gift of your time and attention. If you do not have time to devote to the friendship, then don't call yourself my friend.

7. Be willing to compromise on all things from the big stuff to the little stuff. If I want to go and
do something and it's really not something you like or enjoy - do it anyway with me because you care about me and can be selfless on my behalf. Never forget all of the things I have sat through and endured simply because it was something you enjoyed.

8. When I call you with a problem or because I have had a bad day - give me your undivided attention. Don't take other calls that come in on the other line or calls that come in while we are at dinner on your cellphone while I am trying to talk to you. Don't chatter with your kids while I am trying to talk to you. If it's important enough for me to tell you about it it should be important enough for you to take the time and listen to me. Remember how often I have dropped everything to listen to you talk about your bad days and/or your problems.

9. Do not drink excessively and then, for no reason other than your drunkenness, verbally attack me in your drunken stupor and then expect me to "just forget about it" in the morning when you have sobered up. They say alcohol is a powerful truth serum so whatever you say when you are drunk in my presence is obviously how you really feel about me. And furthermore, we are now well into our 30s. Drunken behavior and excessive drinking should have been abandoned about 10 years ago when you finally grew up. If you are still exhibiting this behavior, call me when you do grow up and we will talk about being friends at that time.

10. Realize that no one is perfect, including you. People make mistakes. Be willing to both offer and accept an apology. If you cannot do both of these things, you do not deserve my friendship.

I mean really, folks, how hard is it? And since this firing process has resulted in the dismissal of 3 of my 6 friends, I am now down by 50%. Anyone want to be my friend?

Ten Truths about Me

1. I sometimes feel sad when I am laughing.

2. I have never had a person who was close to me die. I cried for 3 weeks when my cat died.

3. I sometimes hate the friend who has been in my life the longest. I used to call her my best friend. I don't anymore.

4. The thought of being with *him* is more exciting than the reality of actually being with him. I am addicted to the anticipation.

5. I have another addiction that no one in my life knows anything about.

6. I have had 7 long term relationships. I have only said "I love you" and meant it to 3 men in my life. 2 of the men I was engaged to and the other one shattered my heart into a million worthless fragments.

7. I relate better to animals than I do to most people.

8. I will leave St. Louis when my father dies and never, ever look back.

9. People who are intensely emotional interest me the most.

10. I am good at a job that I hate.

Is It Just Me?

Is it just me or does anyone else feel entirely ripped off and scammed that James Frey's book A Million Little Pieces is a complete work of fiction being passed off by him as "as truthful as I can remember memoir." Now, let me get this out of the way first and foremost: I did NOT read this book because it was an Oprah book club pick. I happened to see it at Target one day and being as, in the past year, I have become obsessed with books dealing with drug addiction, it seemed right up my alley. Would I have bought it if I knew it was a work of fiction? Hell no. Why, you ask? Because in thinking I was dealing with a brain damaged recovered drug addict and alocholic I managed to overlook an awful lot of the book's shortcomings: for example, the guy cannot write worth a shit. A 4th grader has a better grasp of the English language than this thug does. But I was willing to overlook the atrocious writing because I felt sorry for him and his allegedly troubled life. Yet now we find out he was a college graduate, former frat boy who has no evidence of any dental surgery, let alone massive root canals done without anesthesia or pain killers and I just feel totally defrauded. But as the old adage goes, "There's no such thing as bad publicity" because his book is now Number 1 again on Amazon. WTF people? Had I not already purchased the book, I certainly would not be running out and buying it right now just to see what all the controversy is about. Are Americans really this stupid and easily manipulated? And to prove that I would not buy the book had I known going into it that it was a work of fiction I offer you my Exhibit A: It was only in the middle of the entire brew ha ha/controversy over the book that I learned there was a sequel to the book entitled "My Friend Leonard." Now, had I still believed the book was true, I would have dropped everything to go purchase Part 2 of his amazing saga. But, as we now know, the ENTIRETY of Book 2 is complete and utter fabrication because it is about his time in jail post rehab - a jail term that NEVER happened - which Frey has, at long last, at least admitted this much as being false. So, I am now trying to erase the whole ordeal from my psyche and will NEVER read Part 2 of this saga. Again, I just feel completely defrauded. I know I should return the book to Target where I bought it because I don't want to give that lying bastard one penny of my hard earned cash. But right now the book is presently being passed among all of my friends who just HAVE to read it to see what all the fuss is about. WTF ever people. At least I can sleep easier at night knowing that each one of my friends who reads my copy of his work of fiction is thereby depriving him of another potential sale of his book. There. I guess that makes me feel better but not by much. I still just feel manipulated and swindled. I cried while reading that book for shit sake - something I would not have done had I known it was all made up. And this is the man that Oprah says kept her awake at night for weeks. Well, screw Oprah. She apparently is just as dumb as the rest of America. But I digress.....

Is it just me or is this hot then cold then hot weather totally bizarre for January in St. Louis? Not that I don't appreciate a warm day in January where we can get one but it makes it virtually impossible to acclimate to the cold weather such that when it is 30 it feels like zero degrees to my poor old arthritic bones. Yeah, you heard me - I'm old and arthritic at the ripe old age of 36. Getting old just sucks. I used to be a competitive gymnast for Christ sake. Now I can barely make it out of bed without groaning and moaning and limping and being hunched over and hobbled for the first hour of every day. And it doesn't get much better throughout the day - I think I just get used to it. Ah, how I long for the days when I was doing a triple backflip off the balance beam. What happened? How did I get this way? Where did it all go so wrong? Allz I remember (yeah, you heard me Allz - I'm from Mizzouree remember and that's how we say that word here) is one day I woke up and my whole body was just recoiled in pain. And that folks was the beginning of the end. The day when the slow decent from youthful vitality gave way to cranky aged worthlessness.

Is it just me or does being in debt suck? I realized today that I have 2 years rather than 1 from this April to continue paying off my car. God that sucks. And considering the damn thing already has 62,000 miles on it - it's going to have about 200,000 when it is finally paid off and will probably be worth a grand total of a dollar as a trade-in. Great. Super. Now, in my defense, my mechanic keeps trying to reassure me that it's not really as bad as it seems because about half of my collective miles are highway miles which apparently puts far less wear and tear on your car than actual city miles. Whatever. Doesn't help the reality much that I will have 2 years of car payments during which time I could very well have costly repairs too since my warranty is set to expire at 70,000 miles which will probably be around April as much as I drive. Great. Super. And what exactly does it say about Chevrolet that they REFUSE to warranty their cars any further than 70,000 miles?! I remember when I bought the car I yelled and hollered and threw a tantrum because I wanted an extended warranty that went to a minimum of 100,000 miles like all the foreign cars do but was repeatedly told GM offers no such warranty protection. You know what that means? That means some number cruncher at GM has ALREADY done the math and determined that it is not in their economic best interest to warranty GM cars past 70k miles because the costs to GM outweight the price of the warranty paid by the customer. So since some number cruncher has already done the math for me it seems I'm up shits creek for the next 2 years as I try and pay it off while hoping beyond hope no catastrophic mechanical repairs come along while I'm already paying $425 a month for the damn thing. Gee, that would be just swell, wouldn't it? To hell with American cars. The next car is going to be a Honda with a STANDARD 100k warranty and an extended warranty that goes until 200,000 miles. Because you see folks, Honda stands behind their product whereas GM apparently wants to run and hide from theirs once it gets to 70,000 miles. What does that tell us about who has the superior product? No fucking wonder GM is in bankruptcy. And it's not like I'm taking jobs away from Americans by buying foreign. Most Hondas bought in America are MADE in America whereas my lovely GM product was assembed in Mexico. Nice. So much for "Buy American." I'm done with that load of crap. I'll be patriotic up to a point but when I start to feel my patriotism in my pocketbook that's when I say fogetaboutit. Honda here I come.

And finally, is it just me or is it a mere coincidence that Osama bin Ladin wants to declare a truce with America right when he is losing and we are kicking his stupid terrorist ass and taking out all of his henchmen? But I'm sure we can take his word for it that he would leave the rest of the world alone if we would just leave Afghanistan and Iraq. Yeah, right. I got your truce right here for you, Osama. Come and get it...

The New & Improved Me

Let's just say I have learned a few things about this blogosphere since I began posting last June. I have learned that people like to see daily or at least somewhat frequent updates. I have learned that just like with the now controversial book "A Million Little Pieces" people want and expect your posts to be entertaining, interesting but above all, true. When I first began blogging I set out to keep a big part of my life and who I am shielded from those who might try and want to know something about me. I didn't talk about my life very much, my really good friends, my politics or my significant other. In fact, I went out of my way to keep these things from my readers. Why you ask? Well, for one I didn't want my blog to become this public treatise on all the people that matter in my life. I didn't think that was fair to them. Also, I still won't be talking about politics (much) because there are way too many political blogs out there and the type of reader I'm trying to interest in what I have to say would be more interested in what is in their heart vs what they read in the morning paper each day. I also did not want to be a boring blog where people talked about diaper changing, parenting etc so I initially deliberately tried to appeal to the single bloggers. I did this because on my blog I want to talk about the trials and tribulations of being single (as I still am despite my significant other - I believe you are single until you aren't - meaning, you get married) and all the fun things that singles do: shopping, art gallery openings, culture and nightlife in and around St. Louis, travel, etc. These are the types of things that would interest me, and do interest me, when I am looking for new blogs to read. What I have found is that the blogs that interest me most are the ones that either have a high emotional content or ones in which the author of the blog has such an uncensored wit as to be utterly hysterical and quite candid. So, because that is what interests me, mostly because that's how I am as a person, I now want to present that side of me. I'm hoping everyone will think this is a huge improvement.

A Tribute to a Fellow Blogger

Ok, I admit it. I'm not the world's best blogger, folks. I don't do it regularly (but more frequently than some, mentioning no names, LAURIE) and maybe most of what I decide to blog about isn't all that interesting or inspiring. But pardon me for about the next 10 paragraphs while I digress about someone else's blog - a blog none of you have probably ever read. For about 4 months now, I have being reading a blog written by some guy *down South* who is painstakingly and excruciatingly slowly picking apart the entire trail of his love life up to this point in his life. Why would he do this you might ask? He says its in the hope of maybe learning something from seeing it all on paper and maybe, finally, for once and for all, being able to walk away from it all and make a new life for himself in the romantic department. He has stated that until he gets over and past and done with, once and for all, this one particular woman who came in and out of his life multiple times spanning several years, there is no hope for him. He called this *a project* and the project ended today on his blog. He finally said all he had to say about this woman he still eats, lives and breathes every second of every day, to this day - yet who he has not seen in over 10 years. This guy is my age (36) and he is still pining away for a girl he created a lot of drama with in his early twenties. Then he goes on to admit that since she left his life for the last time 10 years ago he has thrown some really, really good stable, loving, warm and wonderful women out of his life without so much as as shrug all because they weren't psychotic and screwed up and drama-prone like his long lost toxic lover from so many years ago. This guy's blog has a HUGE following, too, from what I can tell on the comment section of his blog. My initial reaction to this whole *project* was WTF? Is it just me or should someone just smack this guy up the side of the head and say "Dude, get over it. It was TEN years ago. She's gone. The more you dwell on it the more you will NEVER purge yourself of *it* and her and everything that goes with it." Another thing that bothered me about his posts was he claimed to recall, seemingly irrelevant things in very specific detail: for example, how his toxic lover's hair smelt in certain moments as he ran his hand through it oh so long ago. Or what dress she was wearing on March 13, 1993 as he kissed her in the moonlight. The whole thing just smacked of a bad romance novel. So, I have been reading his blog with a combination of mild interest and complete annoyance all of these months. And it ended today. But the question is, did it really? Is this guy better for having talked about *her* month after month, day after day, in excruciating detail, or he is just that much worse off for having focused on it every day for so long? And just when I was about to comment on his blog and leave a not so nice *piece of my mind* regarding his *project* I got to thinking. Don't we all have that *one person* in our life who so utterly screwed us over that after which we were never really the same ever again? Don't we all have someone for whom it took us way too long to "just get over it" and on with our lives? So, in the very moment I was about to strike with my less than tactful opinion of him and his *project* it hit me. The entire point of his blog came crashing down on me in that one moment of utter clarity. He wasn't doing it for him - he was doing it for us, his readers - for anyone who has ever, ever been totally fucked over yet still totally in love with a toxic person. The type of person who carelessly and thoughtlessly kicks aside good people who would and could love them so they can instead chase the memory and the dream of a bad someone else. Now who among us has not done that? His *project* and all the horrid events it details has, at some point, probably happened to each and every one of us. We are, at the end of the day, just regular folks trying to find love and happiness in this thing we call life in spite of all the bad that has ever happened to us. And so, after months of passively reading his blog I became a participant today. I looked at my own *project* and realized I am one of the lucky ones. The warm, wonderful, loving, caring, dependable person I kicked out of my life 10 years ago to instead pine away for and search for and long for the toxic drama that *T* brought to my life during my early twenties is back in my life today. Because you see, two and half years ago, I sat down and wrote a love letter to end all love letters to the person I pushed away in favor of *T* - the toxic piece of shit he was and still is today. I told my throw-away lover many things in the letter the gist of which was that for years I spent searching for what I thought was *T* in other lovers but I finally, finally realized it was him I was looking for in the eyes of each new lover, and not *T*. I told him that he became the True North by which all of my subsequent relationships had been judged. I also told him "I never wondered why you left; I actually wondered why you stayed so long." And that was the truth. He had the great misfortune to be my rebound relationship from *T* and I was absolutely horrible to him. While with him, I drank too much, was very self-destructive and basically made his life a living hell for 2+ years. And yet, at every turn he looked at me and said "How can I show you that I love you today?" And yet I stomped all over that. Kicked it into the gutter like yesterday's empty beer can. We broke up; we got back together. I had drunken rages and completely disregarded all that he had to offer me for the better part of 2 years. And then one day, he had had enough. He wrote me a letter and set it next to my things at his house and said it was over. At the time, I didn't even care. I threw my stuff in my car and immediately met up with a new guy *that same day* and never looked back. But I did look back, didnt' I? Because in each subsequent failed relationship, all of which I ended ( meaning I dumped and didn't get dumped), I was looking for him and his unconditional love in those men. I was looking for his eyes, his touch, his intelligence, his sense of humor, his sexuality, HIS ARMS around me at night, his ability to understand exactly how I was feeling without ever having to say a word. And so, ten years and 4 failed long term relationships later I wrote him *the letter* and to my utter surprise he welcomed me back into his life with loving and open arms. This is a love that has withstood the test of destructive acts, hate and anger, other people and relationships in our lives, and time and miles apart and years of distance. And yet, in June of 2003, there we were in Chatanooga, TN falling into each other's arms again. ONLY THIS TIME, I vowed to love him like no other and to be the woman he so richly deserved all those years ago. And you know what's funny about that memory I have of Chattanooga? I remember everything about it in complete detail. I remember exactly how I felt the minute I saw him in the lobby of the hotel, I remember the shirt he wore that day and how he later that night held me in his arms and said things every word of which I can remember to this day. I, too, remember how he smelled, what he tasted like and exactly what if felt like to have his hand resting in mine again. So, to have been such a Doubting Thomas for all of these months regarding the *blog project* I referenced above, I can only say, "I'm sorry." I too have moments in my life the exact essence and detail of which I can remember to this very day. I believe some moments in our lives just become indelibly marked in our psyches such that it's like carrying around a mini movie of that memory wherever we go for the rest of our lives.I say I am one of the lucky ones because I realize not many people get the kind of second chance in life with their one true love that I have been given. I realize this and I try to honor this every single day in how I love my beloved and how I absolutely treasure every moment spent with him as if it were our last. So, to the blog I have been reading for 4 months and not fully understanding the meaning of it, I say - "I get it. I truly get it now. And thank you. Godspeed, my friend. May you one day have the love in your life that is in mine and may you never ever look for your *T* in a good and loving person again. Thank you for sharing *your project* and for making us realize that in one way or another, we all have our own *projects* tucked deeply in the recesses of our hearts. And that we all are just at varying stages in our own personal *projects*". Some projects end happily, some sad, and some just end - like his did today. But I like to hope in the optimistic part of my heart that today is a beginning for him and not an end. For he too deserves the love of a good and decent woman. Let's just hope that the next time one knocks on his door, he has learned not to slam the door in her face while instead looking for the ghost of his toxic lover. Because if he chooses that same trodden path, then his *project* really will have just been a waste of time. But, if he chooses instead to move forward and love a new person with all of his heart without ever even thinking of his *T* again, he can be an inspiration to us all just as he was for me today.