A Tribute to a Fellow Blogger
Ok, I admit it. I'm not the world's best blogger, folks. I don't do it regularly (but more frequently than some, mentioning no names, LAURIE) and maybe most of what I decide to blog about isn't all that interesting or inspiring. But pardon me for about the next 10 paragraphs while I digress about someone else's blog - a blog none of you have probably ever read. For about 4 months now, I have being reading a blog written by some guy *down South* who is painstakingly and excruciatingly slowly picking apart the entire trail of his love life up to this point in his life. Why would he do this you might ask? He says its in the hope of maybe learning something from seeing it all on paper and maybe, finally, for once and for all, being able to walk away from it all and make a new life for himself in the romantic department. He has stated that until he gets over and past and done with, once and for all, this one particular woman who came in and out of his life multiple times spanning several years, there is no hope for him. He called this *a project* and the project ended today on his blog. He finally said all he had to say about this woman he still eats, lives and breathes every second of every day, to this day - yet who he has not seen in over 10 years. This guy is my age (36) and he is still pining away for a girl he created a lot of drama with in his early twenties. Then he goes on to admit that since she left his life for the last time 10 years ago he has thrown some really, really good stable, loving, warm and wonderful women out of his life without so much as as shrug all because they weren't psychotic and screwed up and drama-prone like his long lost toxic lover from so many years ago. This guy's blog has a HUGE following, too, from what I can tell on the comment section of his blog. My initial reaction to this whole *project* was WTF? Is it just me or should someone just smack this guy up the side of the head and say "Dude, get over it. It was TEN years ago. She's gone. The more you dwell on it the more you will NEVER purge yourself of *it* and her and everything that goes with it." Another thing that bothered me about his posts was he claimed to recall, seemingly irrelevant things in very specific detail: for example, how his toxic lover's hair smelt in certain moments as he ran his hand through it oh so long ago. Or what dress she was wearing on March 13, 1993 as he kissed her in the moonlight. The whole thing just smacked of a bad romance novel. So, I have been reading his blog with a combination of mild interest and complete annoyance all of these months. And it ended today. But the question is, did it really? Is this guy better for having talked about *her* month after month, day after day, in excruciating detail, or he is just that much worse off for having focused on it every day for so long? And just when I was about to comment on his blog and leave a not so nice *piece of my mind* regarding his *project* I got to thinking. Don't we all have that *one person* in our life who so utterly screwed us over that after which we were never really the same ever again? Don't we all have someone for whom it took us way too long to "just get over it" and on with our lives? So, in the very moment I was about to strike with my less than tactful opinion of him and his *project* it hit me. The entire point of his blog came crashing down on me in that one moment of utter clarity. He wasn't doing it for him - he was doing it for us, his readers - for anyone who has ever, ever been totally fucked over yet still totally in love with a toxic person. The type of person who carelessly and thoughtlessly kicks aside good people who would and could love them so they can instead chase the memory and the dream of a bad someone else. Now who among us has not done that? His *project* and all the horrid events it details has, at some point, probably happened to each and every one of us. We are, at the end of the day, just regular folks trying to find love and happiness in this thing we call life in spite of all the bad that has ever happened to us. And so, after months of passively reading his blog I became a participant today. I looked at my own *project* and realized I am one of the lucky ones. The warm, wonderful, loving, caring, dependable person I kicked out of my life 10 years ago to instead pine away for and search for and long for the toxic drama that *T* brought to my life during my early twenties is back in my life today. Because you see, two and half years ago, I sat down and wrote a love letter to end all love letters to the person I pushed away in favor of *T* - the toxic piece of shit he was and still is today. I told my throw-away lover many things in the letter the gist of which was that for years I spent searching for what I thought was *T* in other lovers but I finally, finally realized it was him I was looking for in the eyes of each new lover, and not *T*. I told him that he became the True North by which all of my subsequent relationships had been judged. I also told him "I never wondered why you left; I actually wondered why you stayed so long." And that was the truth. He had the great misfortune to be my rebound relationship from *T* and I was absolutely horrible to him. While with him, I drank too much, was very self-destructive and basically made his life a living hell for 2+ years. And yet, at every turn he looked at me and said "How can I show you that I love you today?" And yet I stomped all over that. Kicked it into the gutter like yesterday's empty beer can. We broke up; we got back together. I had drunken rages and completely disregarded all that he had to offer me for the better part of 2 years. And then one day, he had had enough. He wrote me a letter and set it next to my things at his house and said it was over. At the time, I didn't even care. I threw my stuff in my car and immediately met up with a new guy *that same day* and never looked back. But I did look back, didnt' I? Because in each subsequent failed relationship, all of which I ended ( meaning I dumped and didn't get dumped), I was looking for him and his unconditional love in those men. I was looking for his eyes, his touch, his intelligence, his sense of humor, his sexuality, HIS ARMS around me at night, his ability to understand exactly how I was feeling without ever having to say a word. And so, ten years and 4 failed long term relationships later I wrote him *the letter* and to my utter surprise he welcomed me back into his life with loving and open arms. This is a love that has withstood the test of destructive acts, hate and anger, other people and relationships in our lives, and time and miles apart and years of distance. And yet, in June of 2003, there we were in Chatanooga, TN falling into each other's arms again. ONLY THIS TIME, I vowed to love him like no other and to be the woman he so richly deserved all those years ago. And you know what's funny about that memory I have of Chattanooga? I remember everything about it in complete detail. I remember exactly how I felt the minute I saw him in the lobby of the hotel, I remember the shirt he wore that day and how he later that night held me in his arms and said things every word of which I can remember to this day. I, too, remember how he smelled, what he tasted like and exactly what if felt like to have his hand resting in mine again. So, to have been such a Doubting Thomas for all of these months regarding the *blog project* I referenced above, I can only say, "I'm sorry." I too have moments in my life the exact essence and detail of which I can remember to this very day. I believe some moments in our lives just become indelibly marked in our psyches such that it's like carrying around a mini movie of that memory wherever we go for the rest of our lives.I say I am one of the lucky ones because I realize not many people get the kind of second chance in life with their one true love that I have been given. I realize this and I try to honor this every single day in how I love my beloved and how I absolutely treasure every moment spent with him as if it were our last. So, to the blog I have been reading for 4 months and not fully understanding the meaning of it, I say - "I get it. I truly get it now. And thank you. Godspeed, my friend. May you one day have the love in your life that is in mine and may you never ever look for your *T* in a good and loving person again. Thank you for sharing *your project* and for making us realize that in one way or another, we all have our own *projects* tucked deeply in the recesses of our hearts. And that we all are just at varying stages in our own personal *projects*". Some projects end happily, some sad, and some just end - like his did today. But I like to hope in the optimistic part of my heart that today is a beginning for him and not an end. For he too deserves the love of a good and decent woman. Let's just hope that the next time one knocks on his door, he has learned not to slam the door in her face while instead looking for the ghost of his toxic lover. Because if he chooses that same trodden path, then his *project* really will have just been a waste of time. But, if he chooses instead to move forward and love a new person with all of his heart without ever even thinking of his *T* again, he can be an inspiration to us all just as he was for me today.
Ok, I admit it. I'm not the world's best blogger, folks. I don't do it regularly (but more frequently than some, mentioning no names, LAURIE) and maybe most of what I decide to blog about isn't all that interesting or inspiring. But pardon me for about the next 10 paragraphs while I digress about someone else's blog - a blog none of you have probably ever read. For about 4 months now, I have being reading a blog written by some guy *down South* who is painstakingly and excruciatingly slowly picking apart the entire trail of his love life up to this point in his life. Why would he do this you might ask? He says its in the hope of maybe learning something from seeing it all on paper and maybe, finally, for once and for all, being able to walk away from it all and make a new life for himself in the romantic department. He has stated that until he gets over and past and done with, once and for all, this one particular woman who came in and out of his life multiple times spanning several years, there is no hope for him. He called this *a project* and the project ended today on his blog. He finally said all he had to say about this woman he still eats, lives and breathes every second of every day, to this day - yet who he has not seen in over 10 years. This guy is my age (36) and he is still pining away for a girl he created a lot of drama with in his early twenties. Then he goes on to admit that since she left his life for the last time 10 years ago he has thrown some really, really good stable, loving, warm and wonderful women out of his life without so much as as shrug all because they weren't psychotic and screwed up and drama-prone like his long lost toxic lover from so many years ago. This guy's blog has a HUGE following, too, from what I can tell on the comment section of his blog. My initial reaction to this whole *project* was WTF? Is it just me or should someone just smack this guy up the side of the head and say "Dude, get over it. It was TEN years ago. She's gone. The more you dwell on it the more you will NEVER purge yourself of *it* and her and everything that goes with it." Another thing that bothered me about his posts was he claimed to recall, seemingly irrelevant things in very specific detail: for example, how his toxic lover's hair smelt in certain moments as he ran his hand through it oh so long ago. Or what dress she was wearing on March 13, 1993 as he kissed her in the moonlight. The whole thing just smacked of a bad romance novel. So, I have been reading his blog with a combination of mild interest and complete annoyance all of these months. And it ended today. But the question is, did it really? Is this guy better for having talked about *her* month after month, day after day, in excruciating detail, or he is just that much worse off for having focused on it every day for so long? And just when I was about to comment on his blog and leave a not so nice *piece of my mind* regarding his *project* I got to thinking. Don't we all have that *one person* in our life who so utterly screwed us over that after which we were never really the same ever again? Don't we all have someone for whom it took us way too long to "just get over it" and on with our lives? So, in the very moment I was about to strike with my less than tactful opinion of him and his *project* it hit me. The entire point of his blog came crashing down on me in that one moment of utter clarity. He wasn't doing it for him - he was doing it for us, his readers - for anyone who has ever, ever been totally fucked over yet still totally in love with a toxic person. The type of person who carelessly and thoughtlessly kicks aside good people who would and could love them so they can instead chase the memory and the dream of a bad someone else. Now who among us has not done that? His *project* and all the horrid events it details has, at some point, probably happened to each and every one of us. We are, at the end of the day, just regular folks trying to find love and happiness in this thing we call life in spite of all the bad that has ever happened to us. And so, after months of passively reading his blog I became a participant today. I looked at my own *project* and realized I am one of the lucky ones. The warm, wonderful, loving, caring, dependable person I kicked out of my life 10 years ago to instead pine away for and search for and long for the toxic drama that *T* brought to my life during my early twenties is back in my life today. Because you see, two and half years ago, I sat down and wrote a love letter to end all love letters to the person I pushed away in favor of *T* - the toxic piece of shit he was and still is today. I told my throw-away lover many things in the letter the gist of which was that for years I spent searching for what I thought was *T* in other lovers but I finally, finally realized it was him I was looking for in the eyes of each new lover, and not *T*. I told him that he became the True North by which all of my subsequent relationships had been judged. I also told him "I never wondered why you left; I actually wondered why you stayed so long." And that was the truth. He had the great misfortune to be my rebound relationship from *T* and I was absolutely horrible to him. While with him, I drank too much, was very self-destructive and basically made his life a living hell for 2+ years. And yet, at every turn he looked at me and said "How can I show you that I love you today?" And yet I stomped all over that. Kicked it into the gutter like yesterday's empty beer can. We broke up; we got back together. I had drunken rages and completely disregarded all that he had to offer me for the better part of 2 years. And then one day, he had had enough. He wrote me a letter and set it next to my things at his house and said it was over. At the time, I didn't even care. I threw my stuff in my car and immediately met up with a new guy *that same day* and never looked back. But I did look back, didnt' I? Because in each subsequent failed relationship, all of which I ended ( meaning I dumped and didn't get dumped), I was looking for him and his unconditional love in those men. I was looking for his eyes, his touch, his intelligence, his sense of humor, his sexuality, HIS ARMS around me at night, his ability to understand exactly how I was feeling without ever having to say a word. And so, ten years and 4 failed long term relationships later I wrote him *the letter* and to my utter surprise he welcomed me back into his life with loving and open arms. This is a love that has withstood the test of destructive acts, hate and anger, other people and relationships in our lives, and time and miles apart and years of distance. And yet, in June of 2003, there we were in Chatanooga, TN falling into each other's arms again. ONLY THIS TIME, I vowed to love him like no other and to be the woman he so richly deserved all those years ago. And you know what's funny about that memory I have of Chattanooga? I remember everything about it in complete detail. I remember exactly how I felt the minute I saw him in the lobby of the hotel, I remember the shirt he wore that day and how he later that night held me in his arms and said things every word of which I can remember to this day. I, too, remember how he smelled, what he tasted like and exactly what if felt like to have his hand resting in mine again. So, to have been such a Doubting Thomas for all of these months regarding the *blog project* I referenced above, I can only say, "I'm sorry." I too have moments in my life the exact essence and detail of which I can remember to this very day. I believe some moments in our lives just become indelibly marked in our psyches such that it's like carrying around a mini movie of that memory wherever we go for the rest of our lives.I say I am one of the lucky ones because I realize not many people get the kind of second chance in life with their one true love that I have been given. I realize this and I try to honor this every single day in how I love my beloved and how I absolutely treasure every moment spent with him as if it were our last. So, to the blog I have been reading for 4 months and not fully understanding the meaning of it, I say - "I get it. I truly get it now. And thank you. Godspeed, my friend. May you one day have the love in your life that is in mine and may you never ever look for your *T* in a good and loving person again. Thank you for sharing *your project* and for making us realize that in one way or another, we all have our own *projects* tucked deeply in the recesses of our hearts. And that we all are just at varying stages in our own personal *projects*". Some projects end happily, some sad, and some just end - like his did today. But I like to hope in the optimistic part of my heart that today is a beginning for him and not an end. For he too deserves the love of a good and decent woman. Let's just hope that the next time one knocks on his door, he has learned not to slam the door in her face while instead looking for the ghost of his toxic lover. Because if he chooses that same trodden path, then his *project* really will have just been a waste of time. But, if he chooses instead to move forward and love a new person with all of his heart without ever even thinking of his *T* again, he can be an inspiration to us all just as he was for me today.
posted by Unknown @ 7:44 AM
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