Friends Forever
Over the past 3 months, I have been firing some of my friends. Well, firing people who call themselves my friends but really aren't. These are people that have been in my life for years, in some cases, decades, and really didn't deserve the privilege of being there because of how they treated me, or mistreated me as the case often was. So it brings to mind the question: why is it so hard to find and keep good friends? Are people really so self-absorbed and selfish these days that they can't even bother with the true meaning of friendship anymore? In honor of this thought, I have put together a list of what it takes to make the cut, so to speak, and not get fired from being my friend. You tell me, am I asking too much?
1. You must NOT be in the friendship for only what you can get out of it; you must give back to me as a person as much as you take. I am a very generous person by nature. Do not take advantage of this.
2.. If you bitch to me about how broke you are and I feel sorry enough for you to give you $20 (no repay necessary), be smart enough to spend it on groceries or bills because I'll kick your ass if you come in the next day with a Starbuck's coffee and a muffin that used up half of that money. And then don't later have the nerve to tell me that you're so sad because you can't afford to feed your kids, buy pet food, pay your phone bill etc. Also, don't expect me to pay for your part of the friendship either. I'm not your date, I'm your friend. If you can't pay your half of the dinner, movie or whatever it is we are doing, then don't go out with me.
3. You must never, ever speak poorly of me behind my back. If you have something to say about me or a criticism of me, have the balls to say it to my face and let's discuss it. Backstabbing is cowardly and passive aggressive.
4. You must not abandon and neglect me or take the friendship for granted the minute you get "coupled up" with a new partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife etc.
5. You must listen to me when you ask my advice and not try and silence me because my opinion happens to be something you don't want to hear or something you disagree with. I always try and deliver bad news or differing opinions with the kindest of words so as to be gentle with your self esteem and your feelings.
6. Make me and our friendship a priority in your life. The greatest gift you can give someone in a friendship is the gift of your time and attention. If you do not have time to devote to the friendship, then don't call yourself my friend.
7. Be willing to compromise on all things from the big stuff to the little stuff. If I want to go and
do something and it's really not something you like or enjoy - do it anyway with me because you care about me and can be selfless on my behalf. Never forget all of the things I have sat through and endured simply because it was something you enjoyed.
8. When I call you with a problem or because I have had a bad day - give me your undivided attention. Don't take other calls that come in on the other line or calls that come in while we are at dinner on your cellphone while I am trying to talk to you. Don't chatter with your kids while I am trying to talk to you. If it's important enough for me to tell you about it it should be important enough for you to take the time and listen to me. Remember how often I have dropped everything to listen to you talk about your bad days and/or your problems.
9. Do not drink excessively and then, for no reason other than your drunkenness, verbally attack me in your drunken stupor and then expect me to "just forget about it" in the morning when you have sobered up. They say alcohol is a powerful truth serum so whatever you say when you are drunk in my presence is obviously how you really feel about me. And furthermore, we are now well into our 30s. Drunken behavior and excessive drinking should have been abandoned about 10 years ago when you finally grew up. If you are still exhibiting this behavior, call me when you do grow up and we will talk about being friends at that time.
10. Realize that no one is perfect, including you. People make mistakes. Be willing to both offer and accept an apology. If you cannot do both of these things, you do not deserve my friendship.
I mean really, folks, how hard is it? And since this firing process has resulted in the dismissal of 3 of my 6 friends, I am now down by 50%. Anyone want to be my friend?
Over the past 3 months, I have been firing some of my friends. Well, firing people who call themselves my friends but really aren't. These are people that have been in my life for years, in some cases, decades, and really didn't deserve the privilege of being there because of how they treated me, or mistreated me as the case often was. So it brings to mind the question: why is it so hard to find and keep good friends? Are people really so self-absorbed and selfish these days that they can't even bother with the true meaning of friendship anymore? In honor of this thought, I have put together a list of what it takes to make the cut, so to speak, and not get fired from being my friend. You tell me, am I asking too much?
1. You must NOT be in the friendship for only what you can get out of it; you must give back to me as a person as much as you take. I am a very generous person by nature. Do not take advantage of this.
2.. If you bitch to me about how broke you are and I feel sorry enough for you to give you $20 (no repay necessary), be smart enough to spend it on groceries or bills because I'll kick your ass if you come in the next day with a Starbuck's coffee and a muffin that used up half of that money. And then don't later have the nerve to tell me that you're so sad because you can't afford to feed your kids, buy pet food, pay your phone bill etc. Also, don't expect me to pay for your part of the friendship either. I'm not your date, I'm your friend. If you can't pay your half of the dinner, movie or whatever it is we are doing, then don't go out with me.
3. You must never, ever speak poorly of me behind my back. If you have something to say about me or a criticism of me, have the balls to say it to my face and let's discuss it. Backstabbing is cowardly and passive aggressive.
4. You must not abandon and neglect me or take the friendship for granted the minute you get "coupled up" with a new partner, boyfriend, girlfriend, husband, wife etc.
5. You must listen to me when you ask my advice and not try and silence me because my opinion happens to be something you don't want to hear or something you disagree with. I always try and deliver bad news or differing opinions with the kindest of words so as to be gentle with your self esteem and your feelings.
6. Make me and our friendship a priority in your life. The greatest gift you can give someone in a friendship is the gift of your time and attention. If you do not have time to devote to the friendship, then don't call yourself my friend.
7. Be willing to compromise on all things from the big stuff to the little stuff. If I want to go and
do something and it's really not something you like or enjoy - do it anyway with me because you care about me and can be selfless on my behalf. Never forget all of the things I have sat through and endured simply because it was something you enjoyed.
8. When I call you with a problem or because I have had a bad day - give me your undivided attention. Don't take other calls that come in on the other line or calls that come in while we are at dinner on your cellphone while I am trying to talk to you. Don't chatter with your kids while I am trying to talk to you. If it's important enough for me to tell you about it it should be important enough for you to take the time and listen to me. Remember how often I have dropped everything to listen to you talk about your bad days and/or your problems.
9. Do not drink excessively and then, for no reason other than your drunkenness, verbally attack me in your drunken stupor and then expect me to "just forget about it" in the morning when you have sobered up. They say alcohol is a powerful truth serum so whatever you say when you are drunk in my presence is obviously how you really feel about me. And furthermore, we are now well into our 30s. Drunken behavior and excessive drinking should have been abandoned about 10 years ago when you finally grew up. If you are still exhibiting this behavior, call me when you do grow up and we will talk about being friends at that time.
10. Realize that no one is perfect, including you. People make mistakes. Be willing to both offer and accept an apology. If you cannot do both of these things, you do not deserve my friendship.
I mean really, folks, how hard is it? And since this firing process has resulted in the dismissal of 3 of my 6 friends, I am now down by 50%. Anyone want to be my friend?
posted by Unknown @ 2:11 PM
4 Comments:
At 11:06 AM,
Anonymous said…
Appropriate post for Valentine's Day.
No, you're not asking for too much, and I sympathize with you about these "firings." I'm in the process of "firing" a close relative.
And hey, sure.
At 10:45 AM,
Anonymous said…
Thanks you guys. You both are really sweet. You sure know how to make a gal feel better. So, I guess to be friends we have to at least exchange contact info, huh? You can find me at the local mental hospital. I've been involuntarily committed because apparently no one in their right mind dumps 3 long term friends in a month. Actually, it's not losing them that bothers me because that HAD to happen for my own sanity, it's the prospect of how do I go about finding replacement friends that seems like such a daunting and pathetic thing to have to do. AND, it's just not an easy undertaking at our age. Everyone is married and busy with babies. And everyone who isn't, is 23. What's a 30something girl in need of some quality friends to do?
At 4:22 PM,
Anonymous said…
I'm now 30-something. And I agree. It's a good question... one I don't have an answer to.
But if you'll remember, contact info was already exchanged, and I've never once seen you online. I'd say we're off to a rocky start.
On a more serious note, I was glad to read your post. It's reassuring. The person I have to "fire" from my life is my father, and it's not been easy, though it has been necessary. Though it does not hinge on anyone else's opinion, it's nice to read the words of someone else who understands that there are certain things that shouldn't be tolerated in a relationship. The circumstances are different, but still, it's reassuring.
At 7:43 PM,
Anonymous said…
Well, Matt, my past is more like your present. 20 years ago this May was when I fired my own Mother. It was one of the most painful and life disrupting things I ever had to do - all at the tender age of 16. But I did it because I decided I was not going to stay in that house for one more day and make excuses for an abusive alcoholic, emotionally unavailable terrible excuse for a mother even one more day of my life. I did it and never looked back. I have never spoken to her again and I am so much better for it. How do I know? Because when my father passes I am going to have to fire my own twin sister who has, in many ways, too many ways, become our mother's daughter. I didn't tolerate the abuse from my mother and I have only tolerated it from my twin because of my father. His dying wish is that I "pretend to get along" with her so he doesn't have to spend his remaining days lecturing her to stop being a bitch and/or dealing with all the family drama her hatefulness creates. I can respect his wish out of respect for him but my sister has a day of reckoning ahead of her. I am playing very nice right now to honor my father all the while ignoring the horrible things she does that disrespect me and all the things she says about me behind my back to the rest of the family. I will fire her the day after he is buried and she frankly won't know what hit her because she calls me her best friend to my face yet trashes every aspect of my being when I walk away. CORRECTION: I am her only friend and I am being coerced into being that for the time being. But I imagine I will feel as "relieved and released" as I did when I recently fired my 3 bad friends when the day comes that I get to remove my sister's cycle of abuse from my life, too. It's very cathartic yet deeply sad at the same time. So I can relate to your situation more than you know. People always say you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family. I think that is wrong on both counts. Sometimes you can't pick your friends (some people will come into your life, see that you are a loving, giving, conflict-averse person and stay just to suck the life and kindness out of you all the while banking on the fact that you won't have the balls to stand up to them and tell them to leave) as I recently did with my 3 friends. And with family? True we are given our family but nothing says we have to keep what we are given. If it is harmful to us, we have a duty to ourselves to protect who we are and what we are. You have to look out for yourself because at the end of the day, no one else will.
And yeah, maybe we should have an IM session sometime. Sounds like you and I could have a lot to share. In all honesty, AOL deleted your email that had your info before I had a chance to actively save it to my hard drive. (AOL does that automatically after like 7 days. It's infuriating because I'm lucky to get on AOL once every 10 days.) So, please don't blame me entirely for our rocky start. It's really totally the fault of AOL! Please don't hate me because I'm never online! I'm otherwise a good person - I swear!
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